Sudden Loss
by J-Hubes
Summary: This story will delve into the minds and emotions of Asuka and Shinji as they try to cope with life and tragedy.
1. Opening

AN:This is the prologue for a series I'm currently writing. There isn't much set in stone at the moment, so I have plenty of room to go wherever I feel it needs to go. This story will be an Asuka/Shinji Romance/Drama, but it hasn't gone that far yet. While this is my first attempt at writing a public piece, I've read quite a good deal of Eva fiction. I'm hoping to create something different from the every day story, but I am aware that my writing skills are rather weak. Well, enough of my rambling. On with the show!

Disclaimer: I don't claim ownership of Neon Genesis Evangelion, or any of its characters.

--------------------------

Sudden Loss

Morning came too soon for a young man lying in his room staring at the ceiling. The previous night had not granted him much rest, as he had spent most of it wracked by nightmares. He laid there letting his mind mull over the events in his dream that had led to a rather abrupt ending to his night's sleep. He didn't remember many of the details, but images of his father, Eva unit 01, and his horrific encounters with the Angels still plagued his mind. As disturbing as these images were to the young Ikari, it was another set of images that haunted him this morning. Toward the end of his nightmare he relived all the hatred and anger he had received from his roommate, Asuka. 

Noticing it was time to start his day, he rose out of bed and headed for the shower. He sighed as the water cascaded down his back. This was truly one of the only simple pleasures he could regularly enjoy, as his fellow roommates seldom awoke this early. While he enjoyed the comfort of the shower, he let his mind wander to his previous train of thought. 

He didn't know what he really felt for anyone, but his confusion with her was easily the most pronounced. She was beautiful, smart, strong, and he could only admire her constant drive to succeed in everything she did. His problem, however, was her constant insults and the dislike that was almost always present when she talked with him. 

If this were the whole story, he would be satisfied with letting go and concluding that they could never be friends, but there was more to this twisted puzzle than just the negative parts. There were moments where he felt he could see something behind the anger, behind the arrogance. Suddenly images came to mind. Asuka calling for her mother in her sleep as a tear ran down her face. Asuka smiling at him when he saved her from falling to her death in the volcano. Then there was the kiss. He hadn't known what to make of it at the time, and he was still confused. That moment ended like every other moment where he seemed to be able to see a different part of her; she immediately closed herself off again and insulted him. Did she like him? Did she feel he was a friend? Maybe she thought of him as a colleague? 

'No,' he thought bitterly, 'she hates me. Why would she care at all anyway?'

His contemplation ground to a halt at the sound of pounding at the door. 

"Shinji hurry up! How long are you going to stay in there anyway? I need to shower and you need to cook breakfast!" 

Frowning, Shinji turned off the water and started to dry off. 'I guess I was in here longer than I realized,' he thought to himself. As he was wrapping a towel around his waist, he was subjected to more berating comments. 

"I'm sorry Asuka, I'll be out in a second," he said, grabbing his stuff. 

He opened the door to see her standing on the other side tapping her foot with her hands on her hips, "Well, it's about time! You better not have been doing anything perverted in there!" 

He tried to defend himself, but he just couldn't speak the words the way his mind was preparing them, "W-what! No I…I was just…but…" 

With a wave of her hand, she put an end to his stuttering. "Oh whatever!" was all he heard her say as the fiery redhead marched into the bathroom and slammed the door shut. He sighed and went to his room to get dressed. 

Shinji was just about finished with breakfast when Asuka left the bathroom to get dressed in her room. Before Shinji had come to the kitchen to cook, Misato had managed to drag herself out of bed and was now sitting at the table drinking her 'breakfast'. 

As she watched him make the meal, she was a little worried. Normally he would comment on her state of dress, or lack thereof or at least complain about her drinking, but lately he just seemed to keep to himself even more than usual. She wasn't sure how to label her relationship with the young boy. She was responsible for him both as his superior officer and as his guardian, but he felt like real family to her. She hated to see him in pain, and with the way he had been acting lately something must be troubling him. She had to see what was going on. 

"So, Shinji, how's school been?" 

Shinji replied without even breaking his concentration, "Fine." 

'Well that went nowhere…' she thought trying to come up with her next move. "Oh, by the way, Ritsuko called to say you aren't going to have any sync tests for the next few days, something about working on the Magi." 

Once again, he replied without any real enthusiasm, "That's good." 

He finished setting up the dishes and started placing breakfast on the table. 'Damn! What's with him? What IS it!' Misato was just about to try again when Asuka stormed into the kitchen drawing everyone's attention as always. 

"Well, it's about time! I don't know why I put up with you. First you're in the shower for an hour, then I have to put up with another boring breakfast. Why do I even bother!" With that, she sat down and started eating her breakfast. 

Misato saw him flinch when Asuka entered, then watched as he frowned and left to get his things ready for school. 'So that's what's bothering him. He didn't even eat breakfast.' She felt her anger rising as Asuka just sat there eating, oblivious of the explosion that was sure to come.

Shinji entered his room and started to get his things ready for school. 'Why is she always like this? Can't she even have a conversation without resorting to some sort of violence?' Shinji realized the errors in his thoughts after a moment. 'No, she can be nice when she wants to. I've never seen her hit or yell at Kaji. I've never seen her get like that with Hikari either. No, it's just me. Of course she hates me, who could like someone like me anyway.' His thoughts came to an abrupt end as the source of his torture let out a scream.

"Mein Gott! Hurry up Shinji, we're late!" 

Asuka ran to grab her things before the two children ran out the door. Misato took a long drink of her beer. The fact that the person responsible for her frustration left before she was able to confront her only made her more upset. 

"I'll just have to talk with her when she gets back." 

With that, she went to take a shower.

Outside, Shinji and Asuka were headed to school. Shinji was falling behind, but his mind just wasn't on school. His thoughts were still spiraling out of control when he realized Asuka had stopped and was facing him waiting for him to catch up.

"Will you hurry up! I swear Shinji, you must want us to be late." 

He finally caught up to her and tried to say something, but all that came out was, "I'm sorry." 

She looked at him for a moment before clenching her fists and grinding her teeth. "ARGH!! Enough already! All you ever do is apologize! Whatever, you can be late if you want, but I'm not waiting anymore." She then turned to cross the street and continue on to school.

'I'm pathetic. I can't even talk to her without her getting mad. Why do I even bother? No one cares anyway.' Shinji let his mind wander deeper into depression as he continued on his way to school. As he was crossing the street, His train of thought was torn loose by a high pitched shriek. Jerking his head to the side he saw the black and chrome pattern of a car's grill coming toward him at an unheard of speed. He threw his arms in front of his face by instinct, as he had no time to think.

Asuka had crossed the street and was heading off to school when she heard a loud shriek followed by a crashing sound. As she turned around looking back toward the street she had just crossed, it took a moment for reality to sink in. "My god, no…" 

---------------------------

Final notes:

This is just the opening for what I hope to be a large series. I had intended to make this part a full sized chapter and add much more characterization, but I felt the ending just fit too well and couldn't add to it yet. Don't worry, I plan to show events from and before the time of this piece from multiple perspectives, as the focus of the series will be on the emotions of the characters. 

A special thanks goes to Crimson Goddess for pre-reading this piece. She fixed some punctuation errors, but what I'm really grateful for is the format. When I first wrote it out it didn't have any breaks, so it looked like an essay or something. Even I had trouble reading it. Thanks again CG, I owe you one! 

Last revision edit: Thanks again to Crimson Goddess for pointing out a timeline error. 

First draft: 4/25/02 

Revised: 8/12/02 

Second revision: 8/13/02

Last revisions: 8/15/02


	2. First Chapter

AN: Well, this chapter took far less to write than I had imagined. I sat down for a few minutes and then it just started flowing out like water. I'm really enjoying this story so far, so as long as I have free time I'll be writing away. I hope you are enjoying the story so far, so without further adieu I bring you the second part of Sudden Loss!

Disclaimer: I still don't own Eva or its characters, but if someone is selling let me know!

--------------------------------

Sudden Loss

__

Pain

Burning pain

Burning…bright

Bright

Light

White light

White…nothing but white

White…a place that is white

I'm in a white place

I…

Slowly, a mind began the process of entering awareness. Feelings became thoughts, thoughts became reality, and reality became…grim.

'I see white. White walls, a white ceiling, it all _feels_ white. Wait, I feel…familiar. This is not a new place. I have been here before.' 

Slowly two deep blue eyes began to focus on their surroundings. Blurry became clear, and plain white walls became infinitely more detailed. 

'I'm in the hospital. Why am I here again? Did I fight another Angel? This feels different; not like the other times I had to be brought here. I feel…numb. I can't move much, and my left side doesn't feel like it's there.'

As his eyes shifted down he felt slightly relieved, as both hands and both feet seemed to be accounted for. As he sighed in relief, he sensed movement from the other side of the room. He tilted his head slightly, which seemed to be the limit of his movement, and found his eyes locked with a pair of pure red eyes.

"Ay…Ayanami?" he managed to force through his sandpaper-like throat. 

"Pilot Ikari, you are awake."

Shinji didn't know if this was a statement or a question, but there were more important things on his mind at the moment. "Why…why am I…here?" The discomfort in his voice seemed to mock him. His attempts at speech were met with a dry scratchy sensation that made him wonder just how long he had been laying here.

With her voice smooth and precise, she spoke as if she were reciting a memorized police report, not answering a simple question, "You were involved in an accident six days ago and immediately rushed to the NERV hospital."

Memories began to surface; the walk to school, crossing the street, the front of a car speeding toward him, and the horrible sound of screeching tires. Shinji winced as that painful sound made itself present in his mind. Then a final detail made itself visible. He had not been alone on his trek to school. 'Asuka…' She had been with him on the way to school. Was she involved as well? Was she also injured?

"Asuka…was she…?"

"Pilot Sohryu was not harmed." Rei seemed to tilt her head slightly as she spoke as if in curiosity. 

Shinji sighed, thankful that she wasn't injured like he was. They stayed silent for a few moments before Rei rose to her feet and spoke again. 

"I will inform the Major that you have regained consciousness. Pilot Sohryu will explain things further when she awakens. Good bye." With those final words, she silently left the room, closing the door behind her.

Now alone, Shinji's mind began to sort through the details. A car had struck him, and judging from how sore his back was he didn't have a hard time believing it had been almost a week ago. He looked at his arm again and noticed something different. While he had seen the bandages, he hadn't noticed how thick and reinforced they were. Curiously, he tried to move his arm. 

As white-hot pain shot through his body, he could not stop the overpowering urge to scream as he used his vocal muscles at full strength for the first time since he had awaken. As he screamed, another sound registered in his brain. As the pain and the scream subsided, he realized that the new sound came from the other side of his bed. Within seconds, the sound became more pronounced and a figure stood to full height next to his bed. 

He tilted his head for a better look, and realized that it was none other than Asuka herself. As he looked at her, he saw a look in her eyes that he never remembered seeing before. He didn't have time to ponder this observation for long, as her face quickly reverted to its normal emotionless expression. She still continued to stare as if probing his eyes for information. After holding the position for a few moments, he found it impossible to keep eye contact and shifted his attention back to the front of the room. They stayed in this position for another moment before Asuka finally spoke.

"So you finally woke up?" Her voice seemed uncharacteristically calm. After Shinji nodded his head, she continued. "Why were you screaming?"

Unable to pick up any emotion behind her voice, he brought his attention back to her face. Her expression was as emotionless as her words, but Shinji noticed another detail that stood out. On one side of her forehead, he saw an oval shaped red mark. As he thought that it looked like she had been resting her head on something, the similar mark on the middle of her forearm left little doubt that she had been resting her head on her arm. Rei's comment about Asuka waking up came to his mind, and he began to wonder just what Asuka was doing sleeping in his hospital room.

"Are you going to answer me?" While her voice broke him from his concentration, it still lacked the attitude that was almost always present when she dealt with him. 

"My arm, I tried to move it. It really hurts. I… Asuka, what happened to me?" Once again he noticed a strange look in her eyes, but in a moment it turned to the fiery glare he was used to seeing from her.

"Of course it hurts you idiot! Your arm was almost completely severed! You don't remember any of it, do you?" After he shook his head, she sighed and began to explain what had happened to him. 

His eyes widened as she related the story. Apparently, he had been hurt really badly after the car had struck him. His left leg was broken, he suffered a concussion, but worst of all, his left arm had been crushed and almost completely severed. She told him it had taken hours of surgery to insert metal pins in his arm, connect some of the nerves, and stitch the skin back together. The doctors didn't think he would ever have full use of his arm again. As she finished the story he found himself looking at his arm for the second time. As he felt the urge to test the doctors' concerns, the pain he experienced during his previous attempt dissuaded him from moving it again. He sighed in exasperation, trying to come to grips with the new information he had just received. 

Asuka watched as his face took on a depressed look. As his eyes seemed to lose more and more of their life, she was about to say something when the door flew open and the violet haired Major burst in. 

"Shinji!" She was just about to throw her arms around him for a strong hug when Asuka jumped forward.

"Misato! Don't move him, he's still in pain!" The other two occupants of the room stared in surprise at the sudden outburst. "Well, I didn't go through all that trouble, just to have him lose his arm after one of your death-grips! Damn, it's late! I have to meet Hikari so I'm leaving now." With that she left the room, leaving behind a rather confused boy and his guardian. 

Misato shifted her attention back to Shinji and looked like she was on the verge of tears. "Shinji, are you alright? How are you feeling?"

He finally brought his attention back to Misato and instead of answering her question, asked a question of his own, "Misato? What did she mean, 'all that trouble'?"

"Did Asuka tell you what happened?"

"Yeah, she told me about the accident, and my injuries." He shifted his gaze back to his damaged arm before continuing in a weaker voice, "And she told me what the doctors said about my arm."

Misato took a moment to compose herself before she spoke again, "Shinji, Asuka didn't tell you what happened before you were brought to the hospital, did she?" He brought his eyes back to her letting his silent stare answer for him. "You were hurt really badly. You were knocked unconscious, your leg was broken, and your arm was almost completely torn off…"

"I know, Misato, Asuka already told me."

"Did you stop to think how you survived the wait for help, or the trip down to this hospital? If you remember, you were quite far from the Geofront when you were hit by that car."

He hadn't thought of that. If he was hurt as badly as they said, he should have died from blood loss well before he got any help. "What happened? How did I make it here in time?"

"Asuka… well, she's the one responsible for that."

"Asuka? But why would she? How did she?"

"Well, she tried to stop the bleeding by tying a piece of cloth tightly around your arm as a make-shift tourniquet, above where it was torn up. I guess the blood loss put your body into shock, and you went into seizures." As she continued, she noticed the growing shock his face expressed.

"When she noticed the seizures, she did something to stop you from biting off your own tongue, but I don't remember the details. She was on the phone with me the whole time. She called the moment it happened, so we managed to get help to you pretty quickly. The doctors said that if she hadn't slowed the bleeding down, you never would have survived. They managed to save your arm, but they said…that…"

"I already know, Misato. I may never be able to use it correctly again. Do they know how much it will heal?"

"They don't know Shinji, they didn't even expect to be able to save it in the first place. We'll have to wait and see, and you're going to have to go through rehabilitation."

Shinji sighed and realized that what little strength and energy he had earlier was leaving him rapidly.

"I'm going to leave now, so get some rest. I'll come back tonight, all right?" she stood up and awaited an answer.

"What time is it anyway, Misato?"

"It's about eight in the morning."

"Um…why were Rei and Asuka here when I woke up?"

"I asked Rei to visit you before and after school when she doesn't have sync tests. She comes by about seven or so, and stops here again after school."

"But Asuka was sleeping on the floor when I woke up, why was she here?"

"Asuka…well she stays here at night because there aren't many nurses on overnight, and they only really check on patients in an emergency. She's spent the last few nights sitting in that chair until morning. If she ended up on the floor, I guess her lack of sleep finally caught up with her. We were all really worried about you. Get some rest, okay?"

"All right Misato." He closed his eyes and began to let his exhaustion take over.

Misato took one last look back at Shinji, and left the room, closing the door quietly behind her.

Misato was deep in thought as she walked down the hallways of NERV. She had mixed emotions about her visit with Shinji. While he had done far better than any of the doctors had expected, she couldn't ignore the look on his face when the subject of his left arm came up. He was very sensitive and emotional, and a trauma like this could easily set him into depression. She decided she needed to find some things out before she saw Shinji again.

--------------------------------

The command center seemed to be business as usual. All personnel were busy with their assigned tasks and everything was in order. Ritsuko was scrolling through some data at her terminal when Misato entered and made her way over. 

"So, how is Shinji?" the blonde doctor asked, still looking at the readouts.

"Well, he woke up today. He seems to be healing nicely, but his arm…"

"Yes, I'm looking over his reports right now. It doesn't look too good at the moment. There was just too much nerve damage to repair." Ritsuko turned away from the monitor and faced Misato before continuing, "I've got a meeting with the commanders about this in a few minutes."

"Will Shinji be able to pilot Unit 01?"

"As long as he can still sync, his actual capability won't change, however…" Ritsuko trailed off, hesitant to finish her statement.

"However, what?"

"Synchronization links the Eva to the pilot, making the pilot feel like they ARE the Eva. The problem is that it works both ways. While a pilot can't use an Eva's broken limb, the Eva's limb won't move if the pilot can't move theirs. The problem isn't with programming, the pilot would just be unable to move one limb without the other because they're mentally linked."

Misato looked up with a determined look on her face, "So he'd be useless in battle."

"Basically, yes. He would be of no use in combat."

"Is there anything that can be done? Any way to repair his arm?"

"At the moment we just have to wait and see what happens. I guess Shinji is lucky that he's young. If he was older we wouldn't have had anywhere near the success we did trying to grow the nerves back. Well, I have to see the commanders so I'll talk to you later." With that, the doctor left the room.

Misato sat down and wondered how Shinji would take the news. Ritsuko was meeting with the commanders, so certain decisions would have to be made. 'But what else could they decide if he isn't able to pilot anymore?' A feeling of dread washed over her as the possibility of Shinji being sent away sank in.

--------------------------------

Ritsuko strode down the hallway on her way to the commander's office. As she entered the office, two figures could be seen in the dim light. One man sat motionless behind an enormous desk with his glasses reflecting the small amount of available light, while the other stood at attention, just as motionless, on his right hand side. 

"I have the reports for the condition of the Third Child," she stated as she placed the folder on the large desk before continuing, "He is stable, but his arm does not seem repairable."

The man seated behind the desk spoke with a deep, emotionless feel to his voice, "Will it effect his ability to pilot?" 

"There is no way that the Eva will operate at full power without the use of one of its arms. We will need to find a replacement…"

Commander Gendo Ikari cut her off, "That is unnecessary, if the need arises we will use the dummy plug. The Fourth Child is already being selected, and Unit 03 will be arriving shortly."

"But sir, the dummy plug isn't perfected yet, there are too many abnormalities in the…"

"It will be enough. Prepare the dummy plug for Unit 01, and get ready for the arrival of Unit 03."

The doctor began to show a hint of concern in her voice, "And what about Shinji? Will he be returning to his old home?" 

"No, as of this moment he will be changed from active to reserve status."

"So he'll be used as a back-up?"

"Yes," Gendo spoke without showing the slightest hint of emotion. "You are dismissed."

Ritsuko turned around and walked out of the office knowing that she had a lot of work to take care of.

Sub-commander Fuyutsuki spoke without moving as much as an inch, "Was this part of the scenario?"

Gendo simply bridged his hands under his nose before replying, "Units 00 and 02 are fully functional, Unit 03 will be operational shortly, and Unit 01 will run on the dummy plug. Everything is on schedule, as it should be."

'I hope you're right, Ikari,' the older man thought, 'I hope you're right…'

--------------------------------------

Shinji awoke to the sound of knocking at the door to his hospital room. He didn't have time to answer, as the door opened a moment later revealing a larger than expected group of friends. Touji, Kensuke, and Asuka were soon standing by his bed. He saw some brown hair between the two boys' shoulders, and simply assumed that Hikari had come on Asuka's behalf. As he let his eyes roam from face to face, he saw nothing but blank, neutral expressions. His friends seemed to be studying him as intently as he was studying them.

"Oh, enough already! He's not dead or anything!" While the source of the outburst was not unexpected, the volume of it was. 

After a brief hesitation, Touji stepped up and spoke, "Hey Shinji! How ya holdin' up?"

"I'm all right…I guess."

"I'm glad you're awake. We didn't know what to think after you stopped showing up to class," spoke Kensuke as he stepped up next to Touji again.

"Yeah, I was wonderin' if we were gonna to be able to fend off the demon long enough for you to come back." Touji leaned in close before continuing, "And we thought her time a' the month was bad…"

"Suzuhara!" Hikari had now stepped forward, and had the larger of the boys by the ear.

"Ow! Why'd ya do that for?"

"You dork! You think I was mad before?" Asuka was in her 'angry' mode, complete with her fists at her hips.

Now free of Hikari's vice-grip, Touji stood in front of Asuka. "I'm not scared a' ya! Bring it on!"

"You wish! You aren't even worth my time!"

Shinji watched the 'discussion' with a smile. While he didn't like large groups of people, he was glad to be in the company of his friends. Even one of Asuka's rants was better than thinking about his current problems. 

They talked for some time, just like any group of teenagers would. While Touji and Asuka did most of the talking, Shinji, Hikari, and Kensuke got into the conversation whenever things calmed down. After a few hours passed, Hikari mentioned that she had to go home to cook dinner. Soon after, the group began to disperse. After Hikari left, Touji and Kensuke wished Shinji good luck, and left as well. As Asuka turned to leave, he tried to muster the courage to say what had been on his mind for most of the day.

"Um…Asuka?"

Asuka turned back to face him and paused a moment before speaking, "Yes?"

"Uh…I was wondering…"

"Would you say it already!"

"I…I talked to Misato…about the accident, and well…"

"Yeah? And what? I already told you what happened, didn't I?"

"You did, but you didn't tell me about…" Shinji hesitated for a moment. He was unsure of how to bring it up, "about how you helped me."

"Is that what this was all about? Gee, Shinji, you get so worked up over the smallest things."

"Smallest? Asuka, you saved my life. How is that small?"

"Huh? You already know I graduated college, and you know I spent most of my life training as an Eva pilot. After all that, didn't you think I learned at least first-aid?"

"Yeah, but my arm was so bad, and the seizures…"

"Tying a piece of cloth around your arm to stop the bleeding, and shoving a spoon in your mouth to keep you from biting off your own tongue doesn't exactly take a genius, you know."

"A spoon? Where did you get a spoon?"

"You idiot, you know how much I hate those stupid sticks you use. I always bring a knife, fork, and spoon when we go to school. It's not like I can trust you to remember."

Shinji looked down for a moment, before looking back up with a small smile. "Thanks, Asuka."

"Oh, don't go overboard, Shinji. While I may have evened the score from the volcano incident, I'm looking forward to having you owe me now," a smirk became evident on her face. "Just be glad it was me there, if it had been your idiot friends they probably would have hurt themselves running in circles or something."

Shinji chuckled for a moment, before speaking again, "Well, thanks…again"

"Just don't forget, baka, you owe me one." 

With a few steps, she was out of sight. As Asuka was walking down the hallway, she was busy thinking of ways for Shinji to repay her. Shinji was thinking about the pleasant afternoon, and his talk with Asuka. What neither of them was aware of, was that for the first time in a long while, they were both smiling. Not forced smiles, but genuine ones. The fact that they had shared a normal conversation, however, did not go unnoticed by either of the children. 

As Shinji closed his eyes once more, he felt relaxed. He was still worried about his arm, but if things stayed as pleasant as they were today, the pain and lack of movement were worth it. For the first time in weeks, Shinji went to sleep with a feeling of peace. 

--------------------------------

Final notes:

While this chapter is still a little short, I think I got in everything I wanted to accomplish. I have a pretty good idea where this story is going now, so it's just a matter of putting it to words. Well, If you haven't figured it out just yet, I pinned down a definite point in the timeline for this. The story begins just before the 13th Angel (Unit 03). I'm not sure how long it will span yet, possibly all the way through 3I, or maybe even an alternate ending? I guess we'll all just have to see where my mind takes me. While this chapter was finished rather quickly, I can't guarantee that I'll be this fast for the rest of the story. It seems this story has already taken a life of its own, so anything is possible. 

And to anyone that feels the end of this chapter is too lighthearted, and doesn't match the feel the story had, don't worry. This is FAR from over, and I plan to show more emotions than just depressed and miserable. Of course since you know what part of the series this is, you also know to expect some interesting things to happen soon. 

Once again, huge thanks to my sole pre-reader, Crimson Goddess.

Not only did she help with my sloppy punctuation, but she also caught a timeline error I made. 

Written: 8/13/02

Revised: 8/14/02

Last revision: 8/15/02


End file.
